chsdbacks Page 193
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Cheng Jun would never casually mention something like that to anyone, nor would he casually tell anyone else—
It was this unparalleled certainty that caused Raiden Mei's brows to furrow for a moment, and her voice to become even more piercing.
"Were you spying on us?"
Mistelin pressed her hand lightly to her chest. "Having observed you for so long, my dear, I already know the answer. I don't think you'd deny it now, would you?"
Yes……
No matter how much you hate Mistelin.
Such things cannot be denied.
The reason why Cheng Jun was unable to enjoy the leisurely, happy, and carefree life he had originally planned was because of his own fault.
Even though he himself keeps saying that his current life is better and that he has absolutely no regrets, it is absolutely impossible to give up something like the fact that his lover could have had a better and more fulfilling life.
Because he knew better than anyone what the boy longed for, and he understood better than anyone else the weakness and incompetence hidden within that seemingly wise and powerful, seemingly prophetic figure.
It was precisely because she was willing to embrace everything, to accept even the dirtiest things, that she was able to rush up and hug the boy after being rejected time and time again.
The girl was never someone who didn't know.
It's never just about brute force.
The phrase "holding a grudge" arises from this. Unless one can prove that they have done better than they could possibly, and that they can truly make their lover happy, they will never be able to let go. This obsession is just like the boy's initial escape. Unless they prove what they want—such as letting the boy know that he will never be abandoned—it is something they must confirm that they have indeed made the boy's life better before they can relax even slightly.
However, the blade of the Seven Thunders of Purification slowly rose—this did not mean that anyone could use this matter to threaten.
Even if she hasn't completely let go, the boy's comforting words over such a long period of time have indeed made the girl less resentful now.
At least it means facing those who have done even worse things.
It will not stop just because of this.
Before this, Raiden Mei deliberately waited for a while—holding her sword and watching the slight parting of his lips, the flickering of color in his eyes, waiting to see what reason could make this guy, who shouldn't be a fool, say such ridiculous and shameless words.
What are you competing for?
……
"Who can solve all of my dear's psychological problems first? After all, whether it's you or me, we're just giving love and care in our own way. As an ordinary person, he has never had peace of mind from the beginning. I can feel that he is separated from the whole world by a layer of glass, and even touching him feels like touching through glass."
Can relationships really last? Can love really last? As someone who feels worthless, will I never be abandoned one day? Or do I have to keep striving to avoid being abandoned? Do I have to push myself to the limit?
Countless questions were raised simultaneously in an instant.
Like a machine gun firing continuously without interruption or pause.
Like layers of waves constantly washing over you, once you fall in, you can't rise to the surface; you'll only have all your strength worn away by wave after wave.
The girl, who had been deliberately mysterious from the beginning, seemed to genuinely want to lead all the onlookers to experience the thoughts, hesitations, and confusions of the boy from the past, as well as the emptiness and nihilism of an ordinary person hidden beneath her seemingly gentle, kind, and considerate demeanor. It also reflected the distrust of oneself and others after being highly atomized in modern society.
"These are probably your psychological issues. They are actually due to low self-esteem and the fact that he has experienced many things in the past that have destroyed his vision of love. So he can no longer face love in a romantic way."
"Worrying and fearing are also a kind of love—fearing because of the fear of losing love. But if it's a stranger, it doesn't matter even if they die in front of you."
……
……
……
It is precisely because of the fear of being seen through that one distances oneself from others; it is precisely because of the fear of being observed in one's true nature that one wants to escape from everyone.
Essentially, it's a psychological problem. People believe they are playing the role of someone very capable, and that their success is due to luck or other factors rather than genuine ability.
The constant fear of being discovered as a fraud, believing one is merely lucky, and even a good exam result is attributed to simply being on the test of knowledge—this condition, where fame and success are not enjoyed but instead accompanied by worry and fear of being discovered as a fraud, is known as imposter syndrome.
You think you're playing the role of a very capable person, but actually that person is just yourself.
The problem is that people with this condition will never realize it and will instead try to avoid it more and more.
The added weight from the outside is meaningless, because it's added through glass, only making the person more terrified—endlessly tormented by the fear that their true self will be discovered, that they are actually incompetent, and that everything around them will instantly disappear.
Yearning and longing, yet separated by a layer of glass, constantly reminding oneself of its falsehood.
If one's mind is never at peace, it will never be possible to connect with others properly without any barriers.
In the end, they are still worried that others will not be able to accept their bad side, so they keep guessing, speculating, and even imagining that their bad side will be seen, and everyone around them will turn against them. Even if it is something that has never actually happened, no matter how impossible the outcome is, it will be constantly confirmed.
Those who start with a predetermined outcome, no matter how much they advocate for it or how seemingly fair they appear, will inadvertently introduce their own subjectivity, causing the derived results to continuously deviate in the direction they desire.
This is one of the reasons why gamblers are beyond help. When they want to gamble, no matter who tries to persuade them, they will be seen as harming themselves. No matter how low the odds are, they will keep increasing their bets in their minds.
They believe they will definitely win next time, and that they have already predicted the probability of winning.
This subjective element, belonging to humankind, can never be discarded; it is something that belongs to humanity.
As the most humane and sensitive city I have ever witnessed, Jiangcheng naturally possesses something that belongs to humanity, an unease rooted in the human heart.
"Our contest is a competition to see who can resolve all of my dear's hesitations and anxieties."
"Whoever wins will be more qualified to stay by his side as the leader."
That's Mistelin's reason.
Although this is not satisfactory.
……
"I've already done all of that."
……
……
……
Recalling the scene of that day's confession, I looked down from high in the sky at the boy who floated in the air until he fell to the ground. I watched him dance with the wind, and his eyes sparkled in the waves of hair that were rolled up by the hair. He floated slowly in the air like cherry blossoms falling in spring, engraving emotions from despair to anger and finally to despair.
I still remember the confession I made back then.
I still remember the boy's rejection once again.
Although I'm now the one powerless to change things, I still want to ask, why did you come here? I've already made it clear, this is just a suspension bridge...
The boy's demeanor at that time was truly perplexing.
He really didn't believe he would be caught.
In the end, they kept talking about things like the suspension bridge reaction, simply believing it was their own preference. It was all empty rhetoric, not the product of a truly deep and thoughtful decision.
Do not……
I didn't say that back then.
I really, really like Jiang Chengjun. I will never regret it. Even if you don't like me, I will continue to like you.
I know what you want to say right now, Jiangcheng, like the red scarf that keeps turning over and over, or that I'm the protagonist and you, the mentor in the newbie village, shouldn't be together... But none of that matters, liking is liking.
Every heartbeat, every warm current flowing through the body after seeing the boy in my eyes—the beating felt by the fingertips pressed against my chest—is undeniably something that can only be called love.
It is precisely because of this deep understanding that one can confess one's love again and again, saying "I love you" time and time again.
It doesn't matter how many times you're rejected or stopped; just say it again and keep going.
I can feel being understood and loved... and I can love someone wholeheartedly. I can choose to entrust everything to them, and I can give up everything about the person named Raiden Mei just to be with that person. I don't need any other embellishments; just being together is enough to make me happy.
We haven't worn matching outfits yet, taken any photos together, or even gone on dates... We haven't even raised cats or dogs together, so please don't leave me. I will prove to you that I can give you the love you want. I won't get annoyed or tired of you, really. You can confirm this with me repeatedly, by any means necessary.
so……
The forestry department has already resolved issues like this.
There is absolutely no need to repeat it again.
Even if there are minor problems, they can be resolved gradually later; there's no need to worry about why things are going badly.
Raiden Mei's expression was more resolute than ever before as she gazed into those dreamy, gradient-colored eyes, engraving each word as if she wanted to etch her thoughts into them.
“I already did it when I confessed from the very beginning. Didn’t you see that when you were spying on me and Cheng-jun? Even later, I had many similar exchanges with him. I have already done all of what you are talking about.”
……
It seems...
She really thought she had solved the problem.
Looking at the sky, which had suddenly cleared up like it was filled with thunderstorms, my eyes were instantly filled with sunshine again.
Even though she really didn't want to interrupt this plot, Mistelin had no choice but to take another step forward and become the villain, crushing it with cold words.
"not enough."
I stared into those questioning eyes.
Feeling the confusion even coming from the side.
Mistelin spoke each word deliberately, with effortless grace—
“Things like that are not enough. If they were truly resolved, then there would be no sense of alienation in my dear now. You have only resolved the surface issues at most.”
“Simply saying that you are willing to stay by your loved one’s side forever, even if you become useless, even if you waste your whole life is useless is not enough. It’s like scratching an itch through a boot; it will never stop the itch. You have to make him feel it.”
"Just like how he treated me, he should have done the same for you. It's not just a simple act or a few words of salvation, but a combination of both that creates an emotion that can penetrate the heart. It would be too shameless to unilaterally accept such a favor, so let's compete to see who can give back first."
……
……
Can……
but……
In fact, Raiden Mei froze halfway through her speech. The memories in the eyes of that proud and arrogant girl seemed to have been easily shattered. Her face, which had been flushed and glowing with anger, suddenly turned pale, and even her pupils constricted like those of a cat in the night.
It was as if they had foreseen everything, denying all doubts and questions before even asking them, whether it was the boy's condition or the root of the problem, and even resorting to moral blackmail.
What proof do you have that all of this is true? There's no need to say things like that at all.
To question it now would be too clownish and ridiculous.
While it's true that I can say I'll take my time to resolve things, it's extremely humiliating for someone to have a reason to attack a couple.
I thought I had solved everything.
It has now been proven to be merely scratching the surface.
What Shanling thought was a small matter that could be slowly resolved by her father was actually so enormous that even an observer could sense it.
If even those who are outsiders and cannot clearly understand the relationship, and who do not know everything that happened in Changkong City, can feel this difference, then the emptiness in Jiangcheng...
what……
what……
—Just how far has it come?
Rather, it's more accurate to say that if one doesn't observe thoroughly and carefully enough, it's difficult to judge the psychology of an ordinary person even within a 24-hour period.
She was not an ordinary person from the very beginning. Even in her most decadent period, this girl, who had little to do with being ordinary, could only see mortals when she looked down.
The acceptance is real.
The responsibility is real.
This truth may not be felt, nor can it be perfectly conveyed to the heart. If it were true that you could make others believe you just by talking, there would be no conflicts. The complexity between people is largely due to the falsehood and uncertainty in words, as well as emotions called suspicion and distrust.
……
P.S.: If you want to prove to others that you'll love them no matter what they become, you'd better turn them into useless people first.
Chapter 152 The Great Battle Between Ryotei and Herrscher
The girl stepped fully into the room, then turned to look at the girl beside her who had been barely noticeable from the start and hadn't uttered a single word—
"Miss Sakura, don't be stunned just because I found inspiration in you."
"In the end, it's not your fault. You probably didn't even realize it yourself."
……
……
……
Her words were met with silence—it didn't matter to her, and the girl simply continued.